So you think you want to be a swinger, but you’re not sure how to bring the topic up to your partner. You’re worried about upsetting them, or that they won’t understand why you want to do this. Well, we’ll get to the talk in a minute, but before you’re ready to have that discussion there are some things you need to think about.
The first thing you need to do is take a look at yourself. Ask yourself, “Why do I really want to do this?” It’s great if the thought of swinging excites you, or if you can’t wait to get out and meet other couples. But it’s important that you keep in mind that this is just as much about your partner as it is about you. Does the thought of seeing them with someone else excite you? If you love the idea of seeing your partner pleasing and being pleased by someone else, then you’re in the right place. If it still makes you jealous or uncomfortable, you may want to re-examine your reasons for wanting to do this. Now, everyone has some natural jealousy, and it’s something that can be worked through if you’re willing to do so. But you want to make sure that you’re attracted to swinging for your partner’s benefit and not just for your own pleasure.
You also need to examine the status of your relationship. How often do you tell each other that you love one another? Is it every day? How often do you tell your partner how much you desire them? These things are important to having a secure relationship. If you and your partner are secure in your relationship you will be much less likely to experience feelings of jealousy or the feeling of being threatened by another. In a successful swinging relationship, both partners understand that they are the most important thing in the world to each other and nothing anyone else could do could ever affect that.
The keys to having a happy relationship as swingers are trust, respect, and open communication. If you can truly trust each other, respect each other’s boundaries, and communicate openly and honestly about your feelings and what you want from swinging, you will likely be successful and happy as swingers, and it will even have the potential to make your relationship even stronger. Discussing your innermost fantasies with your partner will increase your ability to communicate about other things, not just sex. Opening up to your partner in this way also fosters a greater intimacy between the two of you. And watching your spouse with someone else can make you desire them even more than before!
However, you may not be ready to be swingers. If your relationship is already having issues with trust, respect, communication, (or any other major issue) swinging will not improve these things. In fact, it’s likely to make them worse. If you don’t trust your partner you will feel jealous seeing them with someone else. If you don’t respect each other and your boundaries you will be fighting all the time over what should be allowed. And how can you possibly hope to get what you want out of swinging if you can’t communicate it with your partner? If your relationship is troubled or unhappy, you need to fix that first before you consider swinging. If you are to the point of being uncertain about your feelings for someone, it is even possible swinging could tear you apart.
So if you’ve considered all this, and you feel that swinging would be a good fit for your relationship, how do you bring your partner to that same realization? It’s finally time to sit down and have the talk. Find someplace they will feel comfortable, with no distractions. This is a good time to spend a night in.
Be honest with your partner. Tell them what you’ve been thinking about, and why. You probably want to tell them now what kinds of experiences you’ve been hoping to share, instead of just leaving it up to their imagination. Your partner needs to understand that you know this is about both of you, and not just your desires.
Explain to them also that swinging is about mutual respect and commitment, that you would never do anything against their wishes or anything that would make them uncomfortable. Make them understand that they have the control to say no.
Something else you may want to keep in mind as you have this talk, and possibly bring up with your partner as a point in your favor, is that swinging can be good for your relationship. As swingers you will have to keep the discussion about sex and your relationship going all the time, and the more you talk (openly and honestly) about your relationship the stronger it will be. And when you continually see how special and desirable your spouse is in the eyes of others, it makes it impossible to take them for granted. Many vanilla relationships fall into a rut where as the couple sees each other every day, they become bored with each other. They are drawn to cheat because others outside the relationship appear exotic and exciting. When you are swinging, it is impossible to forget how unique your spouse is and what attracted you to them in the first place, because you can watch them through the eyes of others who are just discovering a sexual attraction to them.
So maybe your partner is interested in swinging and wants to discuss it with you. In fact, they could have already been thinking about it on their own, and just didn’t know how to bring it up to you. If this is the case, you’re ready to move on to the next stage of the talk.
It’s also possible your partner needs more time to think things through. Let them know you’re ready to talk whenever they want. Its okay to bring the subject up again later (“So have you been thinking about our discussion the other night?”) But make sure you don’t pressure them. The more pressure they feel from you the less likely they are to want to do this.
The other possibility is that your partner has no interest in swinging whatsoever. If that’s the case, then that’s the decision you’ll have to stick with. Everyone is wired differently, and some people have no interest in being with more than one person, or being with someone they don’t love. Not everyone enjoys recreational sex, and you can’t change someone’s mind about this. Let them know it’s still on the table if they ever want to talk about it again, and then you have to let it go.
If both you and your partner are interested in swinging then you’re ready to move on to the next step. It’s time for the two of you to discuss all of your fantasies. Let your partner know what you want from swinging, and listen to what they want. Make sure you discuss things you don’t want to do as well. Let them know anything that makes you uncomfortable. Listen to what they have to say about what they don’t want to do and agree to respect it. Set up some boundaries that you can agree on.
This is a conversation you want to keep going. As you settle into a swinger’s lifestyle, you want to keep the lines of communication open, and continue to discuss with your partner what you want. Many couples set stricter boundaries in the beginning and then relax them over time as they become more comfortable. So if you’re ready to dive right in but your partner just wants to attend a party and watch, don’t push it. If you support them and let them go at their own pace, then it’ll be that much easier for them to open up and then both of you will get to experience your fantasies coming true.
Remember, if the two of you want to give swinging a try and see if it’s a fit for you, you don’t have to be 100% positive about your decision to become swingers when you’re just starting out. Just be honest about where you’re at and go at your own pace. But it is important that you’re certain how you feel about each other. Follow the rules that you have established with your partner. Always remember to respect each other and enjoy the journey both of you will be taking together. Life is too short to walk through it with your eyes closed. Open them up and see what swinging can do for your relationship.
Sometimes people get into the lifestyle and get frustrated right away because they aren’t getting any results. They haven’t had any luck hooking up with couples, they’ve met a few but haven’t been called back or aren’t getting responses to their emails. They wonder, “Is it us?” Well, here’s a few tips on how to behave in a lifestyle situation so you won’t have to ask yourself that question.
1) Read someone’s profile through before you email them; don’t just shoot out generic “hi how are u nice pics” emails to every profile in a 50-mile radius. Some people are looking for something very specific and will tell you that in their profile. Some swingers don’t like single males, some are full-swap only, and some are only looking for a single woman, for a few examples. It is okay to send an email saying “I read your profile and you may not be interested in us but….” However, it really annoys people when you send emails out based only on their pictures and ignore the profile they took all that time to write.
2) Answer all your emails. You’ll get emails from couples you aren’t interested in too; it’s considered polite to email them back and tell them “No thanks” so they know you took a look at their email. You’re going to have to learn to turn people down at some point anyway; might as well be online. Remember, if you tell someone politely that you aren’t interested and they get pissed off, that’s their problem, not yours – you were polite and honest.
So let’s say you’re out in public and you see a couple you’re interested in. How do you approach them? Are you scared of coming off too pushy?
1) Introduce yourselves just like you would anywhere else. Make sure all of you are there, both members of each couple, and just say “Hi, my name is ____ and this is my spouse ___” Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself to someone you want to talk to! Many new couples find the hardest thing is to meet people when they are just starting out and uncertain. If you are at a swingers’ event, everyone who is at that party is there because they want to meet other swingers. Just walk right up, stick out your hands, and say hi. It’s not rude (unless you’re obviously interrupting some activity, that is!). If they don’t want to chat, oh well – go introduce yourselves to someone else!
2) Don’t touch without permission! If you want to play with someone/kiss them/grab their ass you need to introduce yourself and ask permission first. You need to ask the person you want to touch. Not their spouse, their friend, or anyone else. You need to tell them what you want to do, and you need to understand that permission granted may be for one time only. For example, if you see a girl with her breasts out and you’ve seen a couple people feeling them? Don’t think just because other people are touching her it’s okay with her if you touch also! They may all be friends of hers! Walk up, say something like “Hi, you have great breasts, do you mind if I touch?” And if she says it’s okay, it doesn’t mean you can (necessarily) feel them again whenever you want. And introduce yourself before you walk away! After all, you are here to meet people, not just grope on them, right
3) Chat with both members of the couple. Don’t just both chat up the wife and ignore the husband, he’s part of the package too! If you see someone you want to talk to and their spouse isn’t around, that’s fine, but if you’ve been talking to someone for a while and are interested make sure you locate their spouse and introduce yourself. All four people involved should have a chance to meet and talk.
4) Don’t be pushy. Coming off as pushy, as all about one member of the couple, or only about sex, is one of the worst things you can do in most cases. Any swinger will tell you they hate feeling pushed and they consider it extremely rude. It can be hard at first when you’re new to the lifestyle; other couples may consider you pushy when you’re just ready for your first sexual experience! Just remember, most people want to make small talk about things other than sex when they first meet. They want to find out if their personalities click and they can be comfortable! Don’t be afraid to get someone’s contact information and wait for another time, if that’s what they want. Yes, it’s true you may not see them again if your schedules don’t coincide, but if you try and talk them into hooking up right now when it’s not what they want then 1) you’re not going to see them again 2) you may get a reputation as a pushy couple and 3) you’re still not getting laid. So be sure to relax and go with the flow of the evening.
6) If you have to turn someone down, a polite “No thanks” is enough. Turning another couple down is actually most swingers’ worst nightmare. This is one situation where if you have to tell a white lie it’s probably okay; if you say something like “we’re tired” or “she has a headache” or even (if you’re on a date) “the babysitter called and we have to go home” chances are that they’ll know you’re lying but won’t call you on it; it’s seen as declining gracefully. It’s also perfectly acceptable to just say “No thanks.” Don’t give your reason! “No thanks, you’re not our type” is all the information anyone should need; they don’t need to hear why they aren’t your type, especially if it’s unflattering to them. If they demand to know why they aren’t your type you’re under no obligation to answer; you declined politely and if they can’t handle rejection that’s their problem. Just walk away.
7) If you should have a problem as a couple deal with it privately. Not only is it considered more polite, it won’t get you a reputation! It’s more than likely that one of you will get jealous at some point, it happens to almost everyone. Just excuse yourselves, go outside or into a private room or corner, and talk it over quietly. It’s very rude to cause a scene, it brings down the whole mood of a party. You should leave the couple who caused the jealousy out of it; unless they disregarded a rule you’d stated to them ahead of time, it’s not their fault. People will give you space if you need it, we’ve all been there, but if you cause a scene you may not be invited back.
When you are at a house party, think about your behavior this way: if this couple had invited just the two of you over, how would you act? Now, just because there are other couples here, why should you behave any differently? Respect the house and be a good guest and you will be invited back.
1) Please remember you are in someone’s home and not a bar! You should always respect your surroundings but it’s even more important when you’ve been invited into someone’s house. Pick up after yourself. Don’t leave cups/plates/beer bottles around; if you don’t know where the trashcan is you can ask. Smoke in the designated area. Go outside to smoke! Don’t ash all over their nice patio/throw your butts in their yard, use an ashtray! Let them know! If you accidentally spill a drink, or if you see someone doing something they shouldn’t (they’re in a room that’s off limits, for example) let your host or hostess know about it! They will appreciate it, I promise.
In general; be polite, respect your surroundings, respect others’ bodies and their boundaries. Treat others as you would like to be treated. Follow these rules and you should have no problem!
The most important thing to do before meeting a couple is to verify that they are real. Here at Wicked Garden we have a verification process set up; if someone is “validated” on their profile it means they have met a power member of the website in person and been validated as a real couple by that person. Unfortunately we still cannot 100% guarantee that these are real couples; people lie, and couples break up. It’s always important to use caution, validated or not.
A couple that isn’t validated, however, might not even be two real people. Single males sometimes pose as couples, and married men sometimes set up profiles without the knowledge of their wives. It’s even more important when dealing with someone who hasn’t been validated to confirm for yourselves that they are a real couple.
The best way to confirm that you are dealing with two real people who both want to meet with you is to meet them over webcam, or speak with them over the phone. If you don’t have a webcam you might want to consider investing in one, it doesn’t have to be of good quality. It’s just to let both couples appear for long enough to show they are real and similar to their pictures. Or you can call on the phone and ask to speak to both members of the couple. Now when you do this, keep in mind you never want to give your home number to someone you don’t know! You can block your number when making a phone call, if the other couple is willing to give you theirs. If you are extremely concerned about safety and discretion, and you plan on calling a lot of people, I would advise you to invest in a pre-paid cell phone. You can find a cheap one for $20, and they usually have a $20 a month minimum.
If the couple isn’t validated and won’t webcam or talk to you on the phone, you may be dealing with someone who is lying to you in some way. It’s possible, though, that you are dealing with a real couple who is just new to the lifestyle or extremely private. If you decide to go ahead and set up a meeting, be sure it’s in a public place, and have alternate plans – keep in mind that you may be stood up.
So you’ve decided to meet someone and you want to know what to do. It’s always best to meet first in a public place. You may run into couples who will want you to come over to their house rather than going anywhere. I would have to advise against this. First of all, this is unsafe. Second, you have to ask yourself the reason why they don’t want to go meet you in public. (Maybe they lied about their looks and are afraid you will just bail on them once you see them.) And third, meeting at someone’s house with their bedroom right upstairs can create certain expectations for the evening. If you aren’t attracted to the other couple in person it’s just going to be awkward figuring out what to say to them. It’s much easier to turn down an invitation to go to someone’s house than it is to leave once you’re there.
Oh, and if you’re thinking about having someone over to your house – I would never recommend this. Meet them in public first.
A good place to meet would be a local bar, restaurant, or club. There are plenty of other options if you want to get creative (just think back to some of the dates you’ve been on), but almost everyone likes to eat and drink. Of course, you can always make arrangements to meet a new couple at a swinger’s event. This has a couple benefits: for one, there will be a lot of other people around, some of whom you might know. For another, if you decide you want to play that night, depending on where you are you might have the option to do so without having to invite them back to your house. However, if you’re looking for long-term friends with benefits and not just notches in your bedpost, you will at some point have to sit down and have a normal conversation anyway. You need to find couples that you can talk to, that share interests of yours other than swinging and the bedroom. And it’s best to do this before jumping into bed.
Now once you’ve picked the location, how should you present yourselves?
Pretend you’re going on a first date again. Men should shave and dress to impress. Ladies, it’s appropriate for you to wear sexy clothing, but don’t dress like you’re going to the swinger’s club! And don’t dress like you’re going clubbing if you’re just going out to dinner. You want to blend in to the location you’re at, not have people staring at you all night. (And even if you personally do want to have people staring at you, you should still be considerate of the other couple and dress appropriately.)
Although it’s fun to flirt and talk about sex at dinner, it’s also important to see if you can have a normal conversation. Finding someone who can stimulate you intellectually as well as physically can be so much more exciting. And make sure you pay attention to both members of the couple.
The most important thing I can tell you is: don’t come off as too shy (because you will seem disinterested), and don’t come off as too pushy. Find a happy middle ground and stick to it, and you will have much more success as a swinging couple. If one of you is more shy than the other, that’s perfectly fine – this is extremely common. As long as the bold one is not being pushy and the shy one is contributing to the conversation, it’s perfectly acceptable for one of you to lead the way until you get to know the other couple better.
Sometimes it will happen that only one couple is interested in pursuing the relationship. If the other couple isn’t picking up the signs you’re giving off, you may have to tell them straight out “Thanks, but no thanks”. Some people are uncomfortable doing this, because they are afraid the other couple will be hurt or insulted. The only thing I can tell you is that honesty is always the best policy – honesty and openness are what swinging is about! Don’t be rude, but politely decline their invitations. If they do get upset or insulted, don’t feel too bad. Not everyone in the lifestyle is compatible, and most of us are adult enough that we can understand that. And should you ever be the couple that is told “No thank you”, accept it politely and gracefully as well. After all, if your date is ever asked about you in the future, you would prefer for them to say “Well, we didn’t play with them, but they were such nice people.”
So you’ve found a couple you’re interested in, the dates have gone well, and you’re ready to take the next step! You need to have an open discussion with them before playtime starts. Things like “We don’t play in separate rooms” and “We always use protection” need to be stated up front, as well as any other rules or concerns you might have. It’s much easier to discuss these things when you’re calm and sober than in the heat of the moment. Once that is out of the way and you’re sure the four of you are all on the same page, you’re ready to dive in and have fun!